What to do with a heart full of love?
I asked myself this question with tear-filled eyes and a runny nose after listening to a melancholy music for the sixth time. The song is a favorite mostly because it is capable of making my eyes water and my heart bleed. It also sucks me into a vortex of emotions. One that, at some point I wasn’t quite ready to pull myself out of. My obsession with love.
One would think that regarding how rocky a few of my relationships have been, I’d be a little immune to the love rave and the constant desire to have a companion. One would think that I’d pay more attention to myself, my choices, the patterns I constantly exhibit, and the characteristics I possess that constantly attracts certain people to me. But the opposite has been the case. I have in fact grown an obsession for validation and a constant need to prove that I am worthy of love, worthy of the attention I feel I deserve, and worthy of the kind of love I infuse into life and people. Am I worthy? Yes. But that’s not the point. The obsession is.
I have buried myself in the quest for a worthy companion, hopefully, one that would make me feel good enough about myself again. One that would prove everyone else wrong. One that would prove that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I neglected my path to self-discovery. And removed every form of self from my description of love. I’ve indeed been desperate.
Funny thing yeah? For every time I reached a pinnacle of meditation and a peek of truth broke through my obsessive shield, my go-to question was ‘What do I do with a heart full of love?’
And now I wonder, is my heart really full of love?
I can’t call this love. Not entirely. If it was, why would I exclude myself? I come first before my neighbor but somehow, somewhere along the line making my neighbor see just how much I loved him/her became a priority. The highlight of my life.
Now now, I’d love to call it a phase. You know, the ‘healing phase’. Eww. I will cut myself some slack however because I have been through some bullshit. My reaction to my rather unpleasant experiences is normal. What isn’t normal however is, letting it get the best of me. Embedding my entire identity in love and melancholy. Refusing to turn a new page for a new and better narrative. Enjoying the rock bottom.
That isn’t normal.
It simply proves that ‘love' isn’t entirely what I feel. It’s a cry for help. Some sort of reversed narcissism. A need to be a priority in someone else’s life when I’m not even top ten in mine. And no, I can’t make it make sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either. How do I plan to lose myself in someone else when I barely even have a self? I barely know myself.
How can I beg for someone to get lost in my void. A void I can’t seem to find myself in. No. It still doesn’t make sense.
Don’t get me wrong. Love is a beautiful thing and I’ll always, always be an evangelist of the beauty of love in life. We must find a dose of it in our daily routines, in the people we associate with, and even in our investments. But first, we must find love in ourselves.
Don’t roll your eyes just yet. I’m not about to throw you on the bandwagon of self-love. No. I will only answer my question as sincerely as I can. I’ll tell you what I will do with a heart full of ‘love’.
. . . I will find myself again.
This alone is capable of draining all the ‘love’ I believe I have. This is a task that requires patience, a healthy amount of forgiveness, and healthy communication with oneself. Discernment too. And all of this, all of the above and so much more are rooted in the actual meaning and definition of love.
It won’t be just about me. I will learn to love others. I will learn to practice healthy love. Pay attention to friends I’ve neglected. Work on building healthy relationships. Repair bridges burnt by my apathy and prolonged negligence.
I will learn the art of healthy communication. To speak my true feelings and express myself as clearly, concisely, and respectfully as possible.
I will learn to be less possessive and let people be. Let people breathe. Let them be the best of themselves with me and. . .
I will learn to handle whatever I’m faced with, with grace.
That doesn’t translate as accepting the bare minimum. But that’s the point, isn’t it? When you learn to define your relationship with people, you learn to understand their capacity for certain things. You learn what to expect and what not to. It teaches you to handle each person according to their capability. That way you don’t pour a liter of water into a 65cl cup. If you get what I mean.
I will learn to love and let go.
And finally, learn not to define my life by the fleeting presence of temporary people.
. . . Amongst others.
There isn’t more to life than love. But there is more to love than my definition of the word.